By Stuart Green

A hush descends upon the room – well, not so much of a hush as a muffled silence. And more like an unconscious free-fall than a descent.

Let’s start again – although it’s unlikely to improve much.

It’s the first day of kindergarten, which only can mean one thing, or maybe a few, if they’re divided evenly – patient introductions, soothing talks about paintings, calm mentions of learning the alphabet. And a nerve-wracking, all-out, no-holds-barred campaign of electing a class president.

Mrs. Listen-To-Me is the teacher, as is apparent from her demeanor, command of language, and height.

“Good morning, everyone. I’m so happy you’re with us today, and I know we’ll have a wonderful year of learning, creating, sharing and napping. Before we begin, do any of you boys or girls know what a leader is? Yes, Tommy?”

“Ah, yuh. A leader is what daddy uses to go up on the roof.”

“Well, almost. Anyone else? Susie?”

“My mommy, who is the smartest person in the whole world, told me a leader is a unit of measurement equaling 33.814 fluid ounces. And that’s right, because I am always right.”

“Well, class, another leader is someone who directs a group. One type of leader is called a president. And today we all can elect a class president. And I think we found two candidates who could be president – Tommy and Susie. OK, Susie?”

“Oh, my vast knowledge of external and internal policy will help my fellow kindergartners gain both practical and existential knowledge that they can use toward maturity.”

“Oh, my. And OK, Tommy?”

“What was the question?”

“I’ll take that for a yes. First, can you both let everyone know just why you like living in Norwood? Susie?”

“Norwood is a unique and sublime municipality, with economic vibrancy, a diverse population, prodigious networking opportunities, and an enlightening educational system.”

“Are you sure you’re five? OK, then, and Tommy, why do you love Norwood?”

“My dog lives here.”

“Very succinct. Next, what should the goals of the class be this year? We’ll start with Tommy.”

“Lots of recess.”

“Well said. And Susie?”

“A vibrant resource personalized in opalescent and polychromatic tones.”

“Um, is there another way of saying that that’s less, well, multi-syllable?”

“Yes – a box of crayons for everyone.”

“Of course. Let’s try a very simple question which should produce a very simple answer. If the class were to have a party, what should the theme be? Susie, you first.”

“A theme of any communal gathering should be thoroughly propounded by the various population to whom it would most impact.”

“Thank-you for that simple answer, Susie. And Tommy?”

“I like cookies.”

“Well, class, there you have it, your two candidates for class president. And now we’ll all see the importance of democracy in action… right after nap time.”