Getting away way back in the day

By Stuart Green

“OK, folks, out of your caves and gather ‘round. You old-fashioned Neanderthals and you up-and-coming Homosapiens, it’s time for our annual shopping spree. We’ve got all kinds of get-aways, gadgets and gizmos - well, more gizmos than gadgets, if truth be told, or even hinted at broadly - but enough items to make any knuckle-dragger stand up.”

“Ah, what’s ‘stand’ mean?”

“Oh, it’s a little something our boys in the Pre-historic Incubator are working on. We think it’ll be a big hit, especially with you boys in the National Rock Throwing League, which, of course, recently merged with the Mud Slinging Association.

“Speaking of rocks and mud, just consider that some say we’re at the dawn of history, the cradle of civilization, just waiting to begin the beguine. Don’t let the holidays catch you flat-footed and empty palmed this year.”

“Ah, what’s a holiday?”

“It’s something to celebrate a particular historical event, which will all make sense once we start to have history. But back to our shopping spree, with the emphasis on me - that is, you.

“I can tell by the way this crowd carries their clubs and scratches the top of their heads that they only want the best. Has your woman berated you for not bringing enough dirt into your cave? How many times has she sent you out for a nice jagged boulder, and you came back with a few shiny pebbles? Only you know the arguments you’ve had when looking for a new place, when she wanted a dwelling of stalagmites, and you insisted on stalactites.

“Well, we can’t help with any of that.

“But what we can do is to offer you this exclusive membership to the Mountaintop Getaway and Time Sharing Club. For just eight ferns and eight oak clusters, we’ll give you a place to get away from the drudgery of your daily existence of swamp skimming. If you’re tired that your only entertainment is watching Dancing with the Woolly Mammoths or Celebrity Head Banging, reach out to us.

“Your membership means the mountain of your choice to climb, walk, stroll, and coddle. And while we don’t encourage coddling, it is an option.

“You’ll be in the good company of other species just evolving, as well as your jovial neighbors who have made beard-growing the national pastime that it is.

“And if that isn’t enough, we’ll throw in this amazing potato dicer to make Julienne Fries. Sorry, that’s the advanced script.

“Anyhow, place your orders now by stamping your left foot, throwing a stick into the primeval forest, and writing a multi-syllabic haiku on the globalization of an agrarian society placed in an industrial commune.”