Every holiday has its day

“OK, folks, settle down, settle down. We’d like to start the first meeting of the Give August a Holiday Symposium Organization Sub-particle and All Points West Committee, or as it’s known in the hinterlands – the what?

“As we all know, or at least those of us who have put down their phones to listen, the Month of August called this meeting to meet, what with its manic-depressive state of being the only month without a holiday to call its own. Oh, we know some say March also shares that annual monthly misery, but it does, after all, have the Ides – which now can be cured with an over-the-counter remedy, or sleeping in until the 16th. Most of us, of course, spend the month trying to beware of it, while others say they can’t find Ides on the calendar, while others are just looking for a comfy chair to forget I even mentioned it.

“At any rate — and that’s rising precipitously what with inflation — we’ve gathered to lift August’s spirits and give it a holiday to call its own. We’ll now take suggestions from the body - hopefully attached to a head of some sort.

“Yes, the representative with the leash and collar, furiously scratching himself in the back row. Mister Rover, I believe.”

“Thank-you. I represent Planet Pooch. I would like to propose to declare one day in August after my species which is synonymous with August – the Dog Days. Let’s make Aug. 25 or thereabouts the Dog Day of August. We can celebrate by unleashing my brothers and sisters from sunup to sundown, let 'em find a tree of their choice, and let them sniff without abandon.”

“Yes, we get the picture. OK, in the back row, with the horse collar around your neck. Mr., um, Mr....”

“Ed. You don’t need to call me mister. Just Ed. I trotted in from Norwood. We’d love a day to commemorate the goal of every Mustang to run wild, run free. Throw off the reins, stirrups, bits, and horseshoes of our ancestors and proclaim loud and clear Mustang ‘Mancipation Day.’ Make it Aug. 5, because, you know, the sooner the better.”

“Well, it may be a bit revolutionary for our purposes, but it would make a great movie. Moving on... you sir, in the toga.”

“I believe I have the ideal day, one that is staring us in the face. The month, you see, is named after me. Yes, that’s right - I am Augustus Caesar. My friends call me Emperor.

“You know, I’m not just an afterthought to my previous month, Julius... or, as he likes to be called, July. And, as was mentioned in a previous context, we should make it Aug. 15 - Beware the Ides of August.”

“Well, too much of it’s been done before, I think. One final suggestion from the foursome. I think you’re called the Quad Squad, correct?”

“Yes, that’s me. And me. And me. And me. It may be a little too obvious, but the ideal holiday already is on the calendar in August. Let’s make every Monday in the month a holiday. And we can call it, oh, I don’t know, let’s see - ah, we’ve got it, the Monday Holiday. But we’re giving you notice, if August doesn’t want it, we’ll be offering it to March.”    

Stuart Green is a freelance columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].