"OK, everyone, settle down. Take your place anywhere in the cave. For those who have not quite made it to the duo-limb stage, just slither onto land. You'll get the idea of walking in a couple of generations.

"Today, as part of our series on Evolving from Archaic Misconceptions, Preconceptions, and Immaculate Conceptions, we'll be studying the topic that's sweeping the world all around - both stalagmite and stalactite, not to mention very tight, which describes an uncle of mine that I won't get into now. Yes, we'll be talking about Absurd Irrationalities - or AI for short.

"Now, this piques many questions, especially from those who know how to use language. Homo sapiens, and his cousin, Fred, are making inquiries such as: What is AI? How will it impact me? Will it take over the world? Where are my pants?

"Let's talk about a few of the most recent developments. There's this new, crazy thing called 'fire,' a word evolving from the Neanderthal root meaning `Stay away from me baby.' Now, our species can use this wild new invention for many helpful purposes - for instance, it's one of only two ways known to create smoke. The other is from something called Big Tobacco, but we won't get into that today.

"However, many believe that fire can actually hurt our precivilization. There's a new theory that fire can team up with trees, with trees coming out on the short end of the stick, so to speak. But it's only a fleeting theory and probably will be disproved after the next lightning strike.

"Moving on to our next AI-nvention, as we like to call it, is this wild thing called a 'wheel.' This all started when our get-in-shape squad created something called 'round.' They say it's very similar to our old standard `square,' but seems to work better on trails.

"Please, please, everyone, calm down. The wheel will not, I repeat, not move in tomorrow. It's still being thoughtfully studied in the labs. The latest story of how the wheel can actually roll down a hill is still pure conjecture at this point.

"And one final technological marvel we'll marvel at is this handy new device shaped like a giant tree branch. The scientific community - a community made up of a futuristic knowledge base called science - is calling it the 'club.' It has many purposes, such as pounding at walls, banging into the ground, and scratching your back.

"But mainly, it's to put in a convenient corner somewhere until your wife says, `Are you ever gonna fix that hole in the cave with that new club I bought you?' Of all new tech, this, then, may be the only one that is truly dangerous."

Stuart Green is a freelance columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].